30.6.14

Leal Souvenir


one time i had a dream that one hundred years later feels strangely familiar.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that love of country is an odd, conflicted, emotion.

22.6.14

1970s


one time i had a dream that i was impressed by my own ability on the dance floor because i knew the moves from the 1970s.

no one else was.

15.6.14

opera


one time i had a dream that i went to the opera. it was based on the iliad, the geodesy, and the medulla oblongata.

it was so-so. it was kind of too long. it got better in the part about the medulla oblongata, but by that point i was already restless. and unlike most operas, it had a very complicated plot and about 200 characters.

i guess some people like that sort of thing.


13.6.14

butterfly back free?


one time i had a dream that a giant butterfly offered me a ride, but i didn't take it because i was afraid that he'd turn into a caterpillar. 

then, i'd be stuck on a leaf. -and who wants that?

so, i stuck around where i was, even though it was a boring old scene filled, mostly, with idiots.

11.6.14

greetings from the sandy shores


one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, sent me a post card from bigley's beach.

he had a gig as a beach d.j. -just like in the movies. he was present at all of bigley's parties and was widely regarded in the exclusive canine community as the premiere musical act. although bubbles seemed to enjoy the adulation, and he got numerous offers from other pooches, it didn't encourage him to find steady employment.

the card that he sent me had a beach scene featuring bigley and his favorite guests. bubbles wrote "having a great time, too bad you're not invited."

what a jerk.

brekkie


one time i had a dream that i was going to have eggs and bacon for breakfast.

but when i got i had cold cereal. 
with cow's milk. 

6.6.14

bigley's beach


one time i had a dream that bigley, the dog, bought a private beach and made it for canines only.

some humans were allowed, but it was by invitation only. all of the old people who visited the beach in their sweaters complained that it had gone to the dogs.

5.6.14

the rooster


one time i had a dream that the rooster woke me up every morning because he had to protect his hens.

the rooster threatened to kick my behind with his crowing. he'd parade up and down the street leering at people, showing off his kicks, flexing his wings, and trying to sound like he was the chief of the avenue.

most people just laughed at his small time tough guy act, but i didn't like him disrupting my slumber. 

4.6.14

parley voo?


one time i had a dream that you could identify ghosts by speaking french to them. george washington told me about this.

general george washington of the continental army ordered me to throw the ghosts out of a mansion on christmas. i asked him how i could tell who was a real person and who was a ghost. he told me "try speaking french to them. if they answer back, they're probably a ghost."

so, i set off with my companion de guerre, janek, who was a very tall fellow with exceptionally large feet, to attend the christmas ball with the hopes of chasing away the spirits. we arrived at the very festive and highly pompus ball in our continetal revolutionary costumes. at first because we were ragtag looking the door man refused to let us in. he talked about the list and the length of the line. however, when we showed our papers from general washington, the door keeper took on a tone of respect, and let us in. 

we arrived in time for the punch to be served, and my companion de guerre decided to drink several glasses of it. i decided to check out the mustards that were being offered but declined to eat any of them because i found them to be inferior to my own personal standards. instead, i munched on a few pieces of fudge which were unbelievably delicious. i don't know how often you eat fudge, gentle reader, but i can assure you that this was legitimately and indubitably, better than any confectionery that you either have or will consume. it was made by the dean of a very reputable southern college. when the master punch maker came round to see if people liked his drink, he told us that he perfected his recipe while washing his underwear during a vacation in the country with his brother at their cabin.

finally, it was time to start shooing away the ghosts. i went up to a group of ladies and addressed them in my best french. they laughed at me, pointed at my funny revolutionary cap, and whispered to each other. it's not like i asked to kiss them. anyways, satisfied that they weren't apparitions, i walked away somewhat embarrassed. 

i found janek who was sitting on a sofa near the side of one of the rooms. he was looking around the party with a skeptical eye, and i told him this was the stupidest plan ever. he agreed, but acknowledged that we were under orders from general washington, and that the general rarely made mistakes. however, janek allowed, there was a considerable flaw in this plan. he told me that he didn't speak french. 

just say "parley voo?" to them, i offered. if they respond, then you know that they're a ghost. so we went around asking everyone if they could parley. we found a several people that did, and kicked them out of the mansion. it seemed to be successful and the house was never haunted again.

when we reported back to general washington, he barely remembered our mission. his annoying little clerk said "so what?" he said. "what do you want? a medal? write to congress. don't come looking for me."
general washington got out of his chair, told off his clerk, and said "good job, boys." i was going to ask if he would show us his wooden teeth, but he didn't seem like the kind of guy who liked to show off, so i didn't push it.
   

2.6.14

post-colonialism


one time i had a dream that ms. rathangan had an inter-dimensional tv show about post-colonialism. i saw the episode about the articles of confederation.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that the series starts with the albany plan of union. i guess even back then there was a lot of mail that needed to get delivered.