28.12.14

vintage of the century!


THIS NEW YEAR'S EVE!
EVERYONE IS INVITED

to buy my mustard. 

supplies are limited so act now to take full advantage of this once in a year opportunity.

the 2014 vintage is down to its final batches and they may not last until wednesday night.
that's why it's so important that people make their mustard purchases now, if they want to partake of the excellent, legendary, 2014 vintage.

the 2014 is intended to be eaten young, and will be best in the next week, although it will be consumable into the early months of spring 2015.

it pairs well with potatoes and sauerkraut, omelettes des jambons, fried chicken, and asparagus dishes. 

if you're feeling adventurous try it on sushi. 

and, if you miss the chance to buy the last of 2014, don't worry about running out of mustard. 

i plan to start production of the 2015 vintage at midnight on january first, for a special new year's hogmany mix that goes great with pork.

the process of night mixing gives the mustard a particular viability not found in the heat of daytime mixes.

no matter what mustard you buy, remember, i made it with flavour

for you...



27.12.14

hotter than hell


one time i had a dream that old lady caulkin traded her mustard recipe to the devil.

he didn't care about her soul. he wanted her recipe. he said that it was hotter than hell. in return she got beauty. that's where i goit my devilishly good looks from.

she gave him the recipe, but not the rights to use it. the devil was furious that he had been out-witted. but there was nothing he could do. a deal is a deal.

26.12.14

the original old homey's day


one time had a dream that i was dragged back to the original old homey's day.

it was in 1993.

21.12.14

free my lil' homey!


one time i had a dream that they put my homey on trial. he wasn't one of my posse, or even from the adventures of the expanded crew, but still, that's my homey.

"i am a mind rabbit" said the judge, and there was no disagreement.

the other members of the court got up and made their proclamations. there were boat-flowers and tree-lions among the prosecutors. one of the defense barristers took off his wig to demonstrate how he was a leopard-bundle.

bubbles kept his place on the stand and tried to maintain his composure.

"mr petfish," said the chief prosecutor, "do you recall seeing the accused on the night in question?"

bubbles shifted a bit in his seat.

--yes.

"And did you also notice anything unusual about the accused?"

-- no.

"no? mr petfish, would you consider wearing a stove-pipe hat a normal sartorial decision? i remind you that you are under oath."

-not unusual for the time of year. you see, it was old homies' week, and people wear their traditional costumes.

"OBJECTION!" shouted one of the pip-squeak associate prosecutors. the chief prosecutor turned around, smiled, and gave him the "easy, easy, slow down" hand signal.

"over-ruled" said the judge. 

i hate winter


my pet fish, bubbles, wants to wish everyone a happy solstice and a good yule.

personally, i hate winter. there is nothing happy about the shortest day of the year.

14.12.14

underwater hospitality


one time i had a dream that old father xmas crashed into the sea and was forced to be a guest of the lord of under the oceans.

he kept pleading to be released, but the lor of under the oceans kept feeding him vegetarian sushi.

fortunately, my pet fish, bubbles -with the help of the queen of the waves - was able to negotiate a settlement to free old father xmas. 

the lord of under the oceans said that he was bored of fr xmas's endless stories about elves anyway.

NO FAKES POLICY


OK!
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!

I HAVE A 100% NO FAKES POLICY!

one time i had a dream that my pet fish, bubbles, was trying to pass off his phony wrapping paper under my name.

i am completely unaffiliated with his shell company "Senape Calchino."
it is a fake and i recieve absolutely no profit from their goods. they are merely exploiting my name.

11.12.14

last night of the week


one time i had a dream that on the last night of old homeys' week before sundown, all the different crews line up and wave good bye to each other across the field.

my pet fish, bubbles, said my posse is mad tight.

4.12.14

pony parade


one time i had a dream that on the last night of old homeys' week my posse held a pony parade by bonfire light.

bubbles, my pet fish, said that this was contributing to de-forestation, and that we should have use an electric bonfire.

30.11.14

thumb games


one time i had a dream that during old homeys' week the posse couldn't find enough time to engage in its traditional competition of thumb games.

28.11.14

the storm boar saga


one time i had a dream that in the afternoon, during old homies' week, my posse got into a discussion on the meaning of "the storm boar saga."

bubbles, my pet fish, claimed that the saga applied a catachrestic framework to climatic events.

the destruction of the feral horse


one time i had a dream that after the principal communal meal, during old homies' week, my posse sang one of our traditional poems called "the destruction of the feral horse."

it told of true events from the past.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that it was a blot on our society. 

27.11.14

glenerie woods


one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet fish, wanted to go hunting for the legendary stag of glenerie woods.

unfortunately, bubbles got lost in the forest.

my posse had to go on a quest to rescue him.

26.11.14

the road outta here


one time i had a dream that bubbles wrote the chapter in his biography where he headed to the hills.

bubbles was aggrieved that they didn't turn into mountains.

the landscape was too undiscriminating to suit his taste, he claimed.

it desiccated his opinion of the place. 

ye olde deluder


one time i had a dream that the old deluder got his own mini-series that ran on prime time tv every night for the whole of old homeys' week.

bubbles, my pet fish, said that it was positively diabolical.

i thought it was myopic.

at least the old deluder had on his horns as a shout-out to my posse, bubbles said.

25.11.14

props to my krew


one time i had a dream that it was old homies' week and so many people from my old posse were stopping by for a spot of tea that i ran out of earl grey.  

bubbles, my pet fish, provided me with some counterfeit, black market, tea from india as a substitute. he told me that it was "early gray" and just like the real thing. but people could tell the difference because it wasn't as good. 

it was so embarassing that i blushed.

bubbles said that he gave props to my krew for knowing the difference. he said that they had very distinguished palates. 

24.11.14

macnagcapall's pony


one time i had a dream that as part of the old homies' week rituals we had to recite the story of macnagcapall's pony.

my favorite part of the story is when the men gather round to eat and hold a feast to plot their revenge. they take the shutters off the house and use them as tables. it reminds them of how macnagcapall had to jump out of the window, all those years ago, because his house was on fire. 

got out my horns


one time i had a dream that i got out my horns because my posse was back in town for old homies' week..

15.11.14

the cauldron


one time i had a dream that the alchemists used their cauldron to open up a gateway to the world of musical composition.

it was very powerful music.

14.11.14

mental focus


one time i had a dream that consuming clove flavoured chewing gum was a viable methold of obtaining mental focus.


get out your anthology


bubbles, my pet fish, wants to remind everyone that OLD HOMIES' WEEK is coming up soon.

get out your old anthologies and get ready to sing the same old songs that we use to do, way back when.

7.11.14

monkey sleep, monkey snore


one time i had a dream that people in the village, but not the town, found my snoring obnoxious because i had been turned into a monkey.

i told them that it was because of my family tree.

they even got the local hermit-saint to drive me out of town on a kyloe. my pet fish, bubbles, told them they should have flown me out of town on the back of a goose or by helicopter.

1.11.14

quest


one time i had a dream that i was a knight on a quest in the snow. 

31.10.14

happy halloween


happy halloween from me and my pet fish, bubbles!

hopefully, i don't get pulled over by ghost cop tonight.

30.10.14

famous napkin


one time i had a dream that the world's most renowned storyteller loaned me his famous napkin.

my pet fish, bubbles, said it was a dish towel.


25.10.14

discussions


one time i had a dream that the colonel from the sentient maize fleet arrived to conduct discussion with the monkey cousins.

12.10.14

elevator


one time i had a dream that at the top of the elevator there were light refreshments served for the trouser pirates. 



11.10.14

happy thanksgiving, canada!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING this weekend to eveyone up north from my pet fish bubbles and i.

Mon animal de compagnie, bubbles, et moi, nous disons: BONNE ACTION DE GRACE à nos amis canadiens et québécois. 

also, please don't invade our country and burn down our capital city like you did in 1814. 

aussi bonne chance à Montréal dans les play-offs!

21.9.14

500 feet


one time i had a dream that foot-prints became a status symbol. people would collect them like autographs.

people would travel around with bottles of ink and paper. they would ask one another if they could make prints of their feet.

different styles were popular, as were various colours and their associated symbolisms, and it was prestigious to have the print of a famous or powerful person. 

i collected about 500 feet.

my pet-fish, bubbles, said that this was an idiotic fad. 

i told him he was just jealous because he didn't have feet. 

15.9.14

scotland yes!


one time i had a dream that scotland was an independent country.

my pet-fish, bubbles, said no thanks.

bubbles said that if his sister, cinnabar, were still alive, she would have voted yes.

too bad dead people can't vote.

#indyref

8.9.14

primo igne


one time i had a dream that prometheus let me use some of his original fire to warm up the kettles at the mustard lab.


7.9.14

the dawn daughter


one time i had a dream that when the sun began no-one was able to hold the light except the dawn daughter. 

so she got the job of spreading the day over the horizon. she would often get bored, so she would shake the light and make different forms of refraction to entertain herself.



31.8.14

new shades


one time i had a dream that it was lampshade season again. you know what that means!

time to buy new lampshades to compensate for the shorter number of daylight hours. i bought a fancy new red one from "omnia omnibus" to match my latest favourite shirt. 



21.8.14

evolution


one time i had a dream that i could actually witness evolution occurring in the course of an afternoon of tea festivals and sugar highs.

my pet fish, bubbles, claimed this was impossible. he told me that it had to do with there not being enough glucose in the universe to sustain it.


17.8.14

preposterous monster


one time i had a dream that as part of his dj training, my pet fish, bubbles, had to ride on the back of a preposterous monster.

the preposterous didn't seem to mind, according to bubbles.

5.8.14

barnabas fornibus


one time i had a dream that barnabas fornibus, was accidentally connected to bubbles, my pet-fish, through faulty telephone wiring. 

barnabas was in camulodunum. he was trying to reach the frog farmer who was on a special mission to westover field. instead, he mistakenly reached bubbles in watling street. bubbles was selling counterfeit wrapping paper for a shell company on st. george's hill. 

barnabas said that this was too exciting for him. it almost reminded him that he wasn't dead yet. 

bubbles said that he would try to be more bland.  

4.8.14

new speakers


one time i had a dream that bubbles' sister, cinnabar backfisch, was still alive and bought a new set of speakers.

she used them to flatten buildings that annoyed her. she was easily annoyed. 

it was wireless.  




3.8.14

the faker


one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet fish, was selling counterfeit wrapping paper with a shell company that he developed. 

he called the company "senape caulchino's designer goods."   

he also sold an occasional jar of hot mustard "round back, afterwards." he tried pushing fake bottles of winnie's wasabi too -which is of a poor quality to begin with, so the fake had to be awful. 

i ended up filing a lawsuit against him for trademark violations and stuff like that.


25.7.14

nephelometers


one time i had a dream that people were using pocket nephelometers to measure the most ridiculous things. 

they were even measuring my mustard. 

my pet fish, bubbles, said they should have used a secchi dish because the zeta potentials could cause bottle shock.

21.7.14

mustard high school


one time i had a dream that there was a rebellion at the mustard high school.

the students took over and locked up the professors. they didn't lock me up, but i couldn't leave either. they barricaded the facility. i was there as moutardier in residence. 

that night they broke into the school's hidden cellars of mustard and consumed the vintage reserves. 

ultimately, the rebellion was crushed using helicopters and catsup guns.

13.7.14

rooftop roger


one time i had a dream that the math man, rooftop roger, wanted to stay up all night solving problems.

every time i told him that i was going to bed, he'd say "aw, 'cmon man! one more solution. i've already got an equation lined up for you."

my pet fish, bubbles, told him he could graph it.

6.7.14

cough syrup


one time i had a dream that ms. rathangan invited us to the city -where she kept her underground cough syrup collection.

she told us that they were alphabetized. 

3.7.14

blue mountain panther


one time i had a dream that the blue mountains panther could create mustard by using its family crest

30.6.14

Leal Souvenir


one time i had a dream that one hundred years later feels strangely familiar.

my pet fish, bubbles, said that love of country is an odd, conflicted, emotion.

22.6.14

1970s


one time i had a dream that i was impressed by my own ability on the dance floor because i knew the moves from the 1970s.

no one else was.

15.6.14

opera


one time i had a dream that i went to the opera. it was based on the iliad, the geodesy, and the medulla oblongata.

it was so-so. it was kind of too long. it got better in the part about the medulla oblongata, but by that point i was already restless. and unlike most operas, it had a very complicated plot and about 200 characters.

i guess some people like that sort of thing.


13.6.14

butterfly back free?


one time i had a dream that a giant butterfly offered me a ride, but i didn't take it because i was afraid that he'd turn into a caterpillar. 

then, i'd be stuck on a leaf. -and who wants that?

so, i stuck around where i was, even though it was a boring old scene filled, mostly, with idiots.

11.6.14

greetings from the sandy shores


one time i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, sent me a post card from bigley's beach.

he had a gig as a beach d.j. -just like in the movies. he was present at all of bigley's parties and was widely regarded in the exclusive canine community as the premiere musical act. although bubbles seemed to enjoy the adulation, and he got numerous offers from other pooches, it didn't encourage him to find steady employment.

the card that he sent me had a beach scene featuring bigley and his favorite guests. bubbles wrote "having a great time, too bad you're not invited."

what a jerk.

brekkie


one time i had a dream that i was going to have eggs and bacon for breakfast.

but when i got i had cold cereal. 
with cow's milk. 

6.6.14

bigley's beach


one time i had a dream that bigley, the dog, bought a private beach and made it for canines only.

some humans were allowed, but it was by invitation only. all of the old people who visited the beach in their sweaters complained that it had gone to the dogs.