angelic waves of pasta

one time i had a dream that i was there when marco polo had the recipe for pasta revealed to him.

marco said that pasta is actually 4000 years old, but it was new to him. i asked him what the original version was like. he told me it was like maccheroncini.

bubbles said that pasta is fun. his favorite types are rotelle and fiori.

la spiaggia di nettuno

one time i had a dream that bubbles landed a part in a film. he was in a movie where he played the night dj at a cosmic dance festival down by the coast.

he got to appear in the big party scene, and also had a few lines in several other places through out the movie. at one point, he gives the hero a piece of advice that is crucial to the ending of the film.

he said while they were filming the party scene there were cameos by several important people, like the patriarch archbishop, and he got to eat kulfi (because he's not a vegan. i know, shame on him) for free. bubbles enjoyed the experience immensely, and loved being on the beach. he told me he couldn't wait to go back to make another movie.

they made two formats for the film and one was in 3d, but i only got to see the 2d one. 

but i'm innocent!

one time, i had a dream that i was a witness to a crime, and that i had to be interrogated by the chief of police - even though he knew  i was innocent.

i got to sit in the police room with the two way mirrors. they got the under-commissioner to help the chief by playing tiggy-chasey and shove-groate.

they asked me why i was at the bank that day, since most people do their banking via telephone. i told them i needed to buy a roll of quarters to use in the parking-meters. the under-commisioner said this was a lie, because the parking-meters only take dimes, nickles. and pennies. i responded that they take quarters and liberty dollars.

the under-commissioner jumped up out of his seat! he shouted "what do you know about lady liberty?" i must have looked shocked because he immediately pressed "you're part of the big heist, aren't you? this proves it." the chief tried to calm him down. he rubbed him, gently, on the back, and handed him a coffee. the under-commissioner sat back down.

then, it was the chief's turn. he was very calm, and relaxed, like this was a routine question. in fact, he acted like he didn't care at all, since they had already busted the thieves. the chief said to me "we're concerned with the theft of copper. you didn't buy any pennies that day? why didn't you you need copper? that's what we want to know."

i told him that the only coppers i knew were the two in front of me. the under-commissioner smashed his fist down on the table, and all of the coins got re-arranged.

when i had relieved them of all their pocket-change at shove-groate, they decided to write up an affidavit for me to sign, indicating that i could certify, as an eye-witness, that the "dirtbags" in question were the robbers.

the under-commissioner told me he'd better not find my car parked at an expired meter or he would personally write me a ticket. i told him, that thanks to him, that wouldn't be a problem. he leered at me angrily, and flared his nostrils, but the chief laughed. i think the under-commissioner was unhappy about loosing at shove-groate, even though he beat both me and the chief at tiggey-chasey. 

let me give you my card

one time, i had a dream that bubbles, my pet-fish, decided that he needed to print some new business cards for me. 

the big heist

one time, i had a dream that a famous gang of criminals were trying to hold their most outrageous heist ever. they started out by taking a piss on the statue of liberty enlightening the world in an attempt to steal it. they thought that everyone would be distracted by their public urination. the plan worked, and they stole lady liberty.

these crooks weren't going to hold it for ransom, or steal it as a stunt for charity or even national pride. they just wanted it for their private collection. fortunately, it was recovered, because they couldn't figure out how to dim her torch and it was visible at night,  and it was returned to its rightful place.

the country held a big bbq to celebrate, but it was vegan, so i had a tofu hot dog. 

six mustards that i made

one time i had a dream that my mustards were accepted by the academy of condiments in france. it was great to finally receive formal recognition for something that i've worked so hard at, and for which i give such tremendous passion.

i got to make a speech. this is what i said:

if the planet, maybe even the galaxy, were to adopt the respectfulness of mustard and its lessons for the world, we'd be in a happier place. the recognition of every uniqueness would improve things, because of understanding, and they could give up on their fear.

mustard mixes have the ability to inspire people to transform, and absorb the progress that things need. that's why i feel so strongly about flavor being artistry, and maybe like rivulets that could gratify, people wouldn't have to be so stringent about accepting the things that debilitate, or like devitalize. that's why my mustards are 100 percent mixed and edible.

and there are a lot of ways of doing that, which is why mustard has so much to offer us. when mustard starts out as a plant it doesn't have these expectations that people carry with them, all these pre-conceived notions about how other people need to live their life or anything. it's just a tree growing in a garden, with birds and things flying around. people think, instead, there are a bunch of promises made to them, maybe sometimes people do make them promises that don't come true.

so that is why mustard has to come into things, to enliven and make free flavors that people were either afraid to try, or didn't have the ability to imagine something that's authentic to achieve. that's why i mix mustard. for all of the people who can't. either because they don't have the time, or the ability, or the tools, or the money, or whatever. i do it for the people that don't have.

you have to move things to the extreme to appreciate how what seems ordinary really is a hidden form of amazing that we just haven't discovered yet. and that's why it's really important that people have identities.

the academy accepted my mustards, and we had a reception. it was very grateful.

my pet fish, bubbles, said mustard mixing is vapid. i told him it takes longer than he thinks, and that's why it's visionary.

the world revolves

one time i had a dream that the world revolves around you.

my pet fish bubbles said that the world actually revolves around the sun. i asked him if he had ever seen the sun. he said in the sky, but not up close.

when i asked him why not, he said that he'd get burned if he got too close. i said that it was the same with you.

interrogate the narratives

one time i had a dream that i had to question every story that i had ever heard anybody tell for its values and veracity. i had to make a truth table for their premises and the permutations of argument.

i found out you could have a false premise and a true conclusion. it was very confusing to project. people were saying all sorts of wacky things like: fashion models are horses because they wear shoes, or that horses are hoses because they both carry water, and/or that rivers are horses because they run.

one man thought the solar system was a giant bouquet of flowers and that people were like bees jumping from planet to planet. he pointed out that both bees and humans dance in complicated patterns to communicate. he considered the square dance and the cotillion as the most cosmic forms of human interaction. some people complained that this was very occidentalized. he responded that his theory did not include oxen because the plural ending of thw word was strong rather than employing a weak inflection with a sibilant. he complained that they had confused the empirical with the hemispherical, and needed to re-evaluate the proto-imperialism that they considered normative to accommodate for the consequences of investigative techniques outside the sapiential "center" (and he emphasized the quotations around the word "center" by showing his teeth) with which they were familiar.

an othered lady said that the only place where earthlings would be safe was outside this dimension in a world we constructed out of wooden boxes and oil paint. when the paint finally dried, the new multiverse would be complete, and we could liberate ourselves from danger inside the boxes if the non-event collapse ever came.

i thought i would try to tell them about my uncle cuthred's ideas on babylonian archaeology and his 'modern' architectural theory (well, it was considered modern - back then), but people kept expounding their own ideas at length, which minimized clarity, and i didn't get a chance to interject unless i wanted to be rude. and i didn't want to, if you know what i mean.

finally, bubbles, my pet-fish, showed up and told them that pythagoras said complex things can be broken down into more simple things. but then again, bubbles said, everything is a result of social conditions, so maybe it was only true in pythagoras's day. i was going say that classical values are eternal and unchanging, but someone said they had a special correlation between triangles and antelopes, so i never got in a word.

the roaring ones

one time, i had a dream that i was socializing with the glamorous crowd of the 1920s.

bubbles, my pet-fish, said they weren't so glamorous after the market crashed.